Alice Adams in Wonderland. Two shorts. Adult. 3,600

Alice Adams was a bright five-year-old. Her favorite time was when she came home from school. Both her mama and papa would be at work and she’d have the whole house to herself with only an aunt to watch over her. And Aunt Edna was usually sleeping off her morning gin.

Alice knew how to fix a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich by herself and would make one or three before sitting down at her father’s computer.

He had a big, big computer. One with a screen almost as tall as she was. She would pile a bunch of books on the chair to sit on. Alice liked to sit real high on the chair so she could look down at the computer screen, keyboard on her lap.

If she got real close to the screen it seemed like she was inside it. Alice often wondered what it would be like to be inside looking out, and not outside looking in. Sometimes, she would even lean over, knees on the desk, to press her nose against the monitor. That made her nose feel warm and tingly.

When her parents were home they made her use a small toy computer and sit far back and low so the monitor wouldn’t hurt her eyes. Alice thought that was silly. That’s why Alice liked it when they were at work. She knew it was okay as long as she didn’t get any peanut-butter on it. So she was very careful.

Alice liked to use her father’s “Favorite” menu. It had pictures of naked people. She thought the pictures looked funny. Most of the photos were of people wrestling around on a bed, floor, or ceiling. Especially the boys with those funny things sticking up all the time.

One day, she was sitting on her pile of books, looking at some of those pictures, when she dropped jelly onto the table.

Oh, no! Alice thought, better clean that up. The tyke leaned way over, sandwich in one hand and a tissue in the other, to wipe the table. But then, the third book down started to slip and Alice fell against the monitor. In sudden panic, she dropped both the Kleenex and sandwich to stop herself.

Alice was very surprised when she didn’t stop at all. She fell a long ways and ended up on a bedroom carpet — the green one in the photo.

“Ow, that hurts,” she exclaimed, having fallen on her right knee. Little Alice sat and rubbed the sore spot.

“What the hell,” she heard and, looking up, saw the man and woman from the picture looking back at her. She had interrupted their wrestling.

“What the hell,” the man said again, as though she hadn’t heard the first time. She wasn’t dumb — she had heard him, “are you doing here? Who are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

“I’m Alice, and I hurt my knee,” Alice told him. “On YOUR floor. You shouldn’t have had it there.”

“It’s always been there, and you haven’t.”

“I haven’t what?” Alice advised him to, “Say what you mean and mean what you say. That’s what my mama tells me.” And then, to placate them. “It’s a nice floor though, nice and green like grass. I like it.”

“I don’t give a damn if you like it or not.” For some reason he seemed angry at her.

That wasn’t a nice way to start a new relationship, she thought.

“How the hell did you get in here, anyway?” he almost screamed. “I know I locked that door?”

The woman only looked at Alice with big eyes, holding a bed-sheet in front of her chest.

“I fell here. The jelly slipped and I just fell in, is all,” Alice explained. “I knew I shouldn’t have used grape jelly in the first place, or even in the last place.” She nodded to herself for figuring it all out so quickly.

The man swung his legs off the bed and grabbed his pants from the floor. She saw his funny thing was small now. It had been big in the picture. His face was red as he dressed. She watched the man carefully, never having seen a boy dress himself before. Alice knew how to dress herself but he used different stuff, not a dress at all.

“I wanna go home now, and what happened to your funny-thing? It was big before and just got small?” Alice asked, nicely.

His face became even redder and made the woman laugh. Good, the woman was having fun. Maybe more fun than wrestling? After all, she wasn’t laughing in the picture.

“It wasn’t very big in the first place,” the woman said, laughing again and getting out of bed herself — on the other side of the bed, though.

“Yes it was,” Alice told her, nodding. “In the picture, it was huge. Bigger than my finger, anyways.”

“Maybe your little finger?” The woman grinned as she slipped on her own pants. Alice could do that too, put on her own pants.

“Stop talking about me like that,” the man demanded while tying his shoes.

“Okay,” Alice told him. “It wasn’t very important anyway. Not as important as your floor hurting my knee.”

She realized that she had told a lie. Her knee didn’t hurt anymore. Alice was glad her mother wasn’t there to catch her.

“Of course it was important,” the man answered. He paused a moment. “And you still didn’t tell us how you got in here, or who you are?”

“I did so. I’m Alice.” She stood up straight and looked around the room. Alice could see the back of her daddy’s monitor screen, kinda sitting in the air a few inches over her head. She looked back and saw the two grownups standing by the bed.

“Would you give me a lift, please? I gotta go back before my mother comes home.” She jumped up and grabbed the bottom of the floating screen.

“Hurry up.” Alice ordered them gruffly.

The woman grabbed Alice around the waist and helped her into the screen. The little girl fell through and tumbled off the table, back in her house again.

She looked back at the monitor and saw two faces looking out at her.

“Thank you,” she told them. Being a polite little girl, she waved goodbye and turned off the computer. Tomorrow, she thought, I’ll try that picture of Disneyland.

And that was the way Alice found she could go right into her father’s computer.

***

Alice Adams in Wonderland — 02. Adult.

Daddy brought little Alice a new bunny rabbit. It was a white female Alice named Snowball because it would curl up in a tight white ball with only one red eye looking out at her.

Snowball was kept in a cage on the back porch. Alice didn’t like that, thinking the bunny got lonely all by herself. When Alice came home from school and had the house to herself — except for her Aunt Edna, who was usually sleeping after drinking medicine all morning — she would let Snowball out to play.

The rabbit was very curious and would first examine the entire house. Snowball would be like a streak of white as she hurried from room to room. Then she would come back to rub her face on Alice.

Sometimes Snowball would jump up on the furniture and lay little brown eggs. Alice knew that rabbits laid eggs — the Easter Bunny did, and she was a rabbit too. One time Alice tried to cook some in the microwave. They smelled icky though, so Alice didn’t try to eat them. Instead, Alice collected them in a jar to see if they would hatch into new rabbits.

Snowball would follow Alice around and jump on her lap. One time the girl’s mother came home early and found Snowball out of her cage. Mama told Alice not to let the rabbit out. Alice said she wouldn’t do it anymore. But only the next day, after looking into Snowball’s sad eyes she forgot her promise.

The other day, Alice found out that she could go places using her father’s big computer. If she tried, she could fall through the computer screen, right into a (.jpg) picture.

The first time, she interrupted two adults playing a game. The man was angry, so she went home through the back of the screen. Later, she dropped into a picture of Disneyland. It wasn’t much fun because she didn’t have any money. The five-year-old soon tired of standing around watching other people have fun. Climbing onto a dumpster, Alice crawled into the back of Daddy’s monitor to return home.

Yesterday, while playing on a school computer, Alice found a picture of “Alice in Wonderland” on the Internet. She made a copy and put it on a floppy disk so she could see it on her father’s computer and visit.

With Snowball nibbling on her toes, she put the floppy disk into his computer and pushed the “Enter” key. Sure enough, the picture came on the screen. Just like with the school computer.

Alice put her head inside the monitor to see how far it was to the ground on the other side. Then Alice made sure all the doors were locked and her aunt Edna was still asleep before climbing into the screen. It was kinda more high than she’d thought. Alice landed on green grass, skinning her knees and getting them all green — like on her first time, when she also hurt her knee.

The high grass felt so good that she rolled around a minute before looking back and seeing Snowball standing on her other side of the screen. Snowball loved grass and, even as Alice watched, jumped down with her and started eating it.

“I have to get you back home, Snowball,” Alice told the bunny, “before you get lost or something.”

Snowball, however, backed quickly away while shaking her furry head.

“Uh, uh. And miss all this great grass?” Snowball asked, hopping out of poor Alice’s reach. “It’s yummy. Leave me alone.”

“I didn’t know you could talk,” Alice responded, shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me before? We could have talked about all kinds of things, like how stupid boys are, and boy rabbits too, of course.”

“I don’t know any or either, ” Snowball told Alice. “Except for brothers, that is. Do they count?”

“Not really. I don’t think so,” Alice thought out loud. “They are boys, but then again … not. Something completely different almost. Like ice cream on a sidewalk, almost.”

“Do brothers meltg too? I wish mine did.”

The two were so engrossed in eating grass — at least one of them — and thinking, that they were surprised when a voice behind them said, “And what are you ladies doing on such a fine day?”

They both spun around to confront a particularly well-dressed male rabbit. He wore a handsome purple-and-yellow suit with a large pocket-watch in its own little pocket, complete with a very golden chain.

The white rabbit quickly jerked the chain. Flipping the watch into his left paw, he deftly moved the hands back a half-hour or so.

“I must make time to talk to you lovely ladies although, of course, I am already late.” He returned the watch with a fancy flip of the paw, where it flew back into its very own pocket with a sigh of contentment.

“My name is Alfred, and what can and may I call you?” the handsome white bunny asked.

“I’m Alice, of course. I have been for five years, anyways,” Alice told him. “And this is my rabbit, Snowball,” she continued while Snowball appeared not to notice the dapper denizen of Wonderland. “And where are you late from or to, as the case may be?”

“For an appointment at the queen’s court,” Alfred told them, proudly. “I’m a lawyer and my client is on trial for his very life.”

He tiptoed quietly around Snowball, giving her a few little sniffs, as she ignored him completely, continuing to eat the yummy grass. “You are welcome to come. It will be fun for all — except for the suspect, of course.”

Alice was pondering. She had been told not to go with strangers and none were stranger than Alfred, but did her mama even mean strange rabbits?

Alfred turned to the now nervous Snowball. For whatever reason, he also appeared uneasy.

“I … will have to find you some appropriate clothing, young lady. Although I enjoy seeing you n — naked, it will not do in the Q — Queen’s Court,” he stammered.

Snowball had never owned any clothing but sometimes wondered what it would be like. Also, she had never, ever, been around a male rabbit — outside of family, or was it except for brothers? One or the other or both. While it was rude of him to mention the fact, it would be nice to see how she looked in such finery.

“All right, sir,” the nervous bunny replied to Alfred, “I would like to go with you. Could I have a dress like Alice’s?”

“Of course, my lady.” He flipped his watch and looked at it again. “Eleven-eleven minus five. We must hurry. Follow me, please.”

They walked for several minutes, through a little forest and past a stone wall where a rather large egg sat, arms waving as it leaned forward to speak to them. The egg looked sad, if an egg could look sad, that is.

“Good morning Alfred, and ladies,” the polite egg addressed the three, “and could you do me a favor, please?”

“Not again Humpty,” Alfred scolded him. “Must you do this every day?”

“Sorry Alfred, I can’t help it.” The morose egg asked them again, “Please? I don’t want to fall.”

The three carefully helped Humpty Dumpty off the wall and safely to the ground.

“Thank you, ladies — and Alfred, of course. I’m deathly afraid of falling,” he explained. “And you better hurry, Alfred. Never keep the Black Queen waiting.” He turned to the girls and continued, “She really would chop off his head, you know?”

“Why do you sit up there if you have trouble getting back down?” Snowball asked the egg. “It just seems the wrong thing to do.”

“It’s not my idea. Charlie, the writer, keeps putting me up there.”

“Oh, I see,” said Alice, not really seeing at all but only a small fib. “Sometimes writers are stupid. Mine had me falling and hurting my knee twice, for no reason at all.” They took time to think about all the stupid things writers did before continuing to Alfred’s cottage.

With only a male rabbit living there, the cottage was very dirty. He was far too busy being late to keep things in order. Digging through a jumbled cabinet, Alfred found a nice purple-and-yellow French maid’s uniform for Snowball to wear. It was a perfect fit, although she refused the handcuffs and whip that went with it.

Some people collect the strangest things, Alice decided.

Alice and Snowball did notice a dozen clocks ticking away, all with different times on their faces.

“How do you know which one is right?” Snowball asked.

“Simplicity in itself, young lady. I add all the hour hands and divide by six or seven, according to the month of the day, and then add one fifth of the total of the minute hands,” Alfred told them. He paused, came closer and whispered, “Then I dial the time number on my cellphone. Don’t tell the clocks. They might be angry.” He gave the girls a sly lawyer grin, continuing, “Each one thinks she’s the most important.”

“Oh,” replied both girls, too tired to figure it out.

“We better get going,” said Alice.

They walked over the valley and through the woods, Alfred paying particular attention to Snowball. He would often take the trouble to nudge her, trying to slip his paw under her apron.

Snowball, nature taking its course, joked with the eager Alfred, while slapping his paw away and hopping aside. It was very entertaining for Alice, although she did feel kind of left out. Silly rabbits, she thought, and their Trix.

At one point — or was it an occasion? — the three were stopped by a foot-wide river, the largest in Wonderland. As Alice lifted a foot to step across, Alfred grabbed her shoulder.

“No. No. We must wait for a bridge. The Queen would cut off our heads if we crossed illegally.”

“I don’t see any bridge,” Snowball said, looking both ways. Always look both ways before crossing anything.

“One will be around soon,” Alfred replied. “The river only has two bridges. They spend their days and nights running up and down the river, looking for paying customers.”

“Oh! I see,” Alice said, still confused. “Uh … how much does it cost?”

Even as she spoke, a smudge in the distance came closer until they could see a large creature coming.

“Nickel one way and free the other way,” Alfred told them while waving at the approaching span.

“Which way is this, then?” asked Snowball.

Huffing and puffing, the gray-skinned creature stopped, smiled, and extended a long tongue across the river, one hand held toward the travelers.

“The nickel way, of course. It’s never the other way.”

Alice used a quarter left over from her lunch money to pay the bridge and they all crossed.

They finally arrived at the Queen’s Court. It was a curious sight, many strange creatures in attendance. The Black Queen sat on a large throne. Decks of cards stood around everyplace, all of them clubs or spades. Most of the spades carried spears, but some had guns like the cowboys in movies Alice watched late at night.

A crowd was gathered. There were even hot dog stands and pony rides. Alice noticed a gaggle of huge dragons sitting at one side, smoking cigars. Her daddy sold cigars to stores, so she knew all about them smelly things. There was also a section of big ugly ogres, making a lot of noise — as ogres do. A great many unicorns were seen walking around the area, some with festive ribbons on their horns along with brightly-colored corks on the tips.

After finding a good place for the two girls to stand and getting them lemonade, Alfred reported to the Black Queen. Of course the queen was angry at Alfred, but they couldn’t hear the bad words she used. Did you ever see a white rabbit with a red face? He came back and explained what was going on.

“You see, when things became too civilized on Earth, many mythical creatures came to Wonderland to live,” Alfred told them. “The unicorns and dragons are good citizens but we sometimes have trouble with those young ogres. They don’t want to follow the rules.”

“Make them go away again,” Snowball suggested. “They look so scary.”

“Can’t do that. The older ones are nice, but some of the teenagers can be nasty,” he told the bunny girl. “My client hid in a bush and scared poor Tweedle Dee. The white knight had to come over and chase him away. The poor knight fell off Fred, his donkey, and hurt his leg.” He shrugged. “Now the Black Queen wants to chop off his head.”

“Chop off his head because he fell off his horse, you mean, or because he hurt his leg?” Alice asked in wonder.

“No, I mean the ogre, Ugggy,” the rabbit corrected.

“Then say what you mean or mean what you say,” Alice corrected Alfred. “And why don’t you do what my Mama does when I’m bad? Tickle his stomach until he cries. That’s better than cutting off his head.”

When the trial started, the ugly little ogre kid was found guilty. Alfred talked to the Black Queen and she sentenced Ugggy to being tickled. It was pretty bloody, though.

She asked one of the big dragons to tickle Ugggy with his claws, and blood went everywhere. That wasn’t what Alice meant, but she did get to meet the Queen.

“So, how do you like Wonderland, Alice?” the Queen asked her. “Did you have a good time, and do you want more tea?”

The Black Queen served real nice tea. It made Alice’s tummy feel funny. The little girl soon had trouble walking straight and sometimes slurred her speech, but still had a real good time. They were laughing and having so much fun and drinking more tea that Alice forgot all about Snowball and Alfred.

A little later, Snowball came back to the palace to get Alice. Her clothing was wrinkled and she had a funny smile on her face. Alfred had his arm around the girl bunny. He looked tired, Alice thought.

Alfred took them back to where they came from and helped them back through the monitor. It had been a lot of fun but Alice felt all sleepy and squiggly from the tea and went right to bed. She had a headache when she woke up. The trip was worth it though, because a little later Snowball birthed a whole lot of baby bunnies.

The End.